I Didn't Lose Weight for my Wedding and I Don't Regret It.

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Being a plus-size person for basically my entire life, I always imagined the season of my life where I would get married, inevitably go on a crazy effective diet (because how dare I walk down the aisle as I am), lose a bunch of weight and then say to myself "why didn't I do this years ago?!?". I'd be drinking my smoothie, walking my (fictional) dog, 100 pounds lighter while strutting every day "athleisure-wear", feeling "happier" and more successful than I'd ever been. 

Spoiler alert: At 32 days from my wedding, this is not currently me. 

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When I got engaged, obviously, I was jazzed! We got engaged on November 18th and we will get married on March 26, 2018. That's only a four-month engagement! I had to get cracking on my weight-loss routine! 

The funny thing was, a month or so before, I had started Weight Watchers and LOVED it! It felt super easy to follow and I was loving the results. I had lost about 25 pounds and was stoked to continue losing! When we got engaged, life just felt crazy! We had more social commitments, we had to go everywhere together (ha!) and we started planning our wedding! 

I feel off the WW wagon, Christmas came and went, I flew to Toronto for a work trip, and by the end of it I just sort of....put it on the back burner. 

Almost every day I felt a pang of guilt as I ate something that I also didn't track, but then one day I woke up, and I just felt....happy! I was rushing to get to work and couldn't find my extra stretchy jeans, and settled for a pair with almost no stretch that I hadn't dared put on again as the last time they felt uncomfortably tight. I closed my eyes, pulled them up and just decided I was going to be uncomfortable that day. Except, they fit perfectly. Comfortably, actually! 

It makes no sense, and it may have been an answer to my quick whispered prayer as I zipped them up, but after that, my whole attitude changed. I had been torturing myself about a few pounds here and there and forgot to just enjoy the process. I was engaged, I was loved, I was busy with a fulfilling and challenging job (my favourite kind of job!)and to top it off, my most uncomfortable jeans fit me. 

After that, I started to take a bit more care in my dress each day, I blow dried the entirety of my hair each day (shout out to the ladies with super thick hair that takes forever!), I wore some of the tops that had been hanging in my closet that I had been too scared to wear and I felt great in them. 

Now, I want to make it clear that I'm not saying that you shouldn't attempt to make yourself healthier for your wedding or any other point in your life, BUT, I just wanted to share that you don't have to and you can be happy with the results.

For me, I noticed that when I started to feel better about myself, I started to treat myself better. And when I treated myself better (ie with food or self-talk), I also felt better. So it was a vicious cycle that I hadn't ever been on top of.

But honestly, I've never felt more beautiful than I do now. 
I am proud of the woman I have become, and I am proud that in a few short weeks I'm about to become Matthew's wife. 

Since my "sisterhood of the travelling pants" situation, I have definitely had moments where I felt bad about myself and I have definitely struggled, BUT overall I'm feeling pretty good and I want to ride this feeling for as long as I can. 

And maybe, maybe, maybe I'll get the wedding photos back and hate my face in all of them, but for right now, I'm just going for a happy day and special day where I feel beautiful. The photos will be fine, but the positive memory of the day I got to marry the love of my life is more important to me.